As the two or three of you who follow me may have noticed, I have not been very active on here the past year.

It's very strange how perceptions can change over time with specific respect to the arts. What sounds good today can sound horrible tomorrow. I believe it all has to do with context and mindset when observing a piece of art.

Ever since I was a small child all I wanted to do was make the most awesome rock music in the world. Over the past 3 years, and specifically over the past 18 months, this dream and desire has branched out with much more focus on electronic and classical music. My guitar is broken. I stepped on it and the neck cracked. It's still playable, but it requires that I purchase a allen key wrench in order to tune it correctly, is missing a piece to hold in the jack, and also requires a new amplifier.

The nice thing is that despite playing guitar a grand total of about 15 minutes a month for the past 4 months, every time I pick it up I am better than I was before in some respects simply because I study music so much, and in general it is more organized and intelligent sounding minus the loss of dexterity and finger caluses.

Well arguably sadly no one gives a damn that I played guitar. From my perspective I was the guitarist within my extended circle of my friends, and I can still play the bitch with my teeth.

But it didn't matter. I am really trying to find the best medium to work with artistically, and when looking over these pictures to me, it is clear that I have gotten my wish of being a better musician than artist. In fact, when I look at these pictures I make, I see everything I hate about myself. I really honestly hate abstract art. I just find it kind of fun to make at the same time too.

I'm sure no one really cares and I don't make the presumption that my thoughts are highly interesting or that anyone is deeply interested in what I'm doing, that would be totally ridiculous. I just forget what I am sometimes, and recently have been losing my sense of ego. I no longer feel in control. I feel like God is in control. And by God, I mean whatever it is that makes life happen, Im not trying to make a religious statement or open a debate here. Life is like river now, I float along and I have choices of which branch to go, but the river is ultimately in control. There is no secret. There is no magic. There are natural laws which cannot be broken, and anyone who says different is deceiving themselves or selling something. People will believe anything so strongly to the point that they sacrifice even the most basic logic and their self deception is so high they are completely unaware of reality, and thus less able to make intelligent decisions.
Sometimes the deception is not so bad though. If it's not broke, don't fix it I suppose. I have always been more interested in truth than my happiness, and I believe that the truth is dark, the truth is ugly, and the truth can even be leathal, but should one survive, it will make one so much stronger.

I have sold my very soul for $9 dollars an hour. I am a worker bee on the weekends and a puppet at school. It's all very good in some respects. I will come out of this semester having learned much, but the learning process is just full of work, and not the passionate curiosity I used to fill my mind and soul with. I would see things so beautiful, and I just wanted to share it with the world.

Unable, for unexplained reasons hearing the most beautiful music in the world in my head, and completely unable to take dictation fast enough to record it. I would lie on the couch and let the music take over in a strange melancholy, in love with the music, but knowing that I am the only one who shall ever hear it.

But its really unknown how well music actually does communicate. Or art for that matter, someone has to be willing to accept the music. People come from so many different walks in life, its really hard to understand how anyone can communicate anything at all. Everyone, just living in their own world, so incredibly different from every one elses.

When I was young, I believed that there were so many people around, that some people were exactly the same and lived the exact same life. Not so! You dont have to go 30 miles to notice a vast difference in culture, and the cultures generally change the further you go. No Russian had the same life as an American. Same is definatly true for different time periods, especially recently since the industrial revolution and the information age. Things change so quickly there is no comparison to previous generation.

Of course, some things are universal, because we are all humans, and I believe we all experience very similar emotions at least at some point, and we all have to deal with this mess called life.